Stuck in a rut

But the hidden ashtray under your bed tell me otherwise

The dog-eared page of your favorite book speak volumes

But never the words that need to be said

Not the voice hidden under piles of used bedsheets

Not the lips masked by smoke and then some

All the rules we make and break

These hands that disassemble the blocks of truth

And the feet that itches with the need for change

Disregarding the here and now

For God knows what

But still the cigarette on your ashtray burns

And will leave nothing but nothing 

On the walls of your bedroom

But still you're on your bed

Fumbling through bedsheets and plans

Then some more nothing

Just bringing two Septembers back...

September 26, 2008, 7:26 PM

And Yet Another September is Over

Don't worry, fly high!

Once again, it's almost the end of September. A lot of firsts in my life actually happened in this month. For the past few years, my Septembers have always been marked with absurd elation, crossings over unfamiliar territories, and occasional childish despairs. Somehow, September meant braving the wild and unleashing the limitless want for freedom. Though those things signified my strength to make independent choices, they would always end up with rough decisions and a teary-eyed me.

But this year, surprisingly, the month of September has shown nothing but clear weathers and serene seas. I was able to revive my passion in writing, strove hard to strengthen my faith, wore my tarha properly, eliminated the time I waste on text messaging for no apparent reasons (thanks to the one who snatched my phone!), struggled (and still struggling) to make decent grades, cut back on excessive caffeine intake, sported a really short haircut, and stayed home most of the time. Good changes.

There were no apparent reasons why I did those things before. And no tangible reasons why I feel I want to grow up now. But still, kudos to me! I'm not bragging, okay? I still am very childish sometimes. But I think I deserve a good pat in the back for being a little tamed and behaved this September. 

Here's to clear weathers and serene seas for the years to come!

***

September 6, 2010, 4:59 AM

September is a Month of Optimism

I guess there is always something good in this world that is worth looking forward to. There is, even though I get completely blinded sometimes by all the setbacks and pessimism (on my part).

I love Septembers. For some reason this particular month just gives me some sort of a new vibe, some jest, something bright. I find it hard to explain, really. And today, I will hope that something wonderful, if not life-changing, will happen this September 2010. I hope I'll be able to make the decisions that I ought to make, I hope I make the right choices, I hope Allah SWT gives what I rightfully deserve (but He always does), I hope I learn to let go of some dreams to make way for another, I just hope I become happy and contented. Ameen.

I took this out from a pile of papers Omie was keeping in an envelope. It's obviously my handwriting (which is ugh, I think). Please, please pardon the awful flow of words, but I think I should listen to my high school self sometimes:

"The real road to success can never be as easy as that. Reaching the top is not measured on how far you've gone, it is measured by the way you carried yourself. What's the real price of a dream? How much would you give just to reach it? Sadly, some of us look for shortcuts, not knowing that they're only making their paths harder. I am not willing to give up what I think is right, but I'm willing to risk falling, because falling is not failing, it's a chance to strengthen your weaknesses. For me, the true prize of a dream is based on your dedication, believe in yourself, and prayer..."

P.S. I did some little grammar-check. A little lang naman. For example, it turns out I couldn't recognize the difference between a price and a prize. Haha. :)

P.P.S. I got inspired by something this morning, hence the optimistic entry.

Hello, September!

Paperback Plans: The Doer vs The Planner vs Me

 

The truth is that I'm a pseudo-planner. I find calm in planning things. I take my time writing down plans for next month's budget, next year's travels, tomorrow's to-dos. I even remember writing a 10-year career plan as soon as I graduated college, on my organizer. I left it in the Philippines so I bet if my mother finds it, she'll be surprised at how far I've walked down my future's lane. I remember specifying the goals for each plan and putting arrows for alternatives, say if things don't work out the way it should. It was too extravagant. Too far-off.

But then again, I'm a pseudo-planner, if there ever such a thing. In fact, I'm a pro at it. I fake-plan things. I plan only to find that calm in planning, the relief in knowing, the happiness in seeing my dreams in ink on a page of my good ol' journal. Because seeing them in writing makes them a little bit more tangible, at easier grasp. Though most of them, if not all, never really materialize because...

Come tomorrow, after pouring myself over my plans' intricacies, I wake up leaving everything on that page. I can imagine the words I wrote and the ink I used cursing me for wasting them. But most often than not, it's myself I feel sorry for. Why do I waste my time in this planning when I never really do anything to realize them? What irrational voice in my head convinces me that doing things end in writing them down on a piece of paper and anticipation?

As I might have already revealed in this blog, I'm not the most optimistic, driven, idealistic person in the world. When I run into people who are so adept and keen on "doing things" instead of "thinking things", I feel a tinge of envy. And then I ask myself: Am I really a rational thinker or am I just plainly lazy? Or am I just horridly afraid of taking risks. I rationalize by saying yes, I'm a rational thinker. I think things through before plunging into it. But who am I kidding? Most days, I'm just terribly lazy. Other times, I'm thinking of the worst possible scenario. So I take a step back or forget all about it, the easiest way out. Yes, that's me. The pro-pseudo-planner. 

Today I read in Facebook:

 "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, 

you'll probably never do much of anything.

- Win Borden

Now this is a wisdom I need to realize. Because if not, my plans will remain as they are, just plans. And I refuse to be one of those people who never went out of the comfort zones and planning, as it turns out, is just my comfort zone.

But the questions remains: Where do I start the doing? And stop the planning? Sigh. I wish answering this was as easy as writing down one of my plans.

Adage

Adage

by Billy Collins

When it's late at night and branches

are banging against the windows,

you might think that love is just a matter

of leaping out of the frying pan of yourself

into the fire of someone else,

but it's a little more complicated than that.

It's more like trading the two birds

who might be hiding in that bush

for the one you are not holding in your hand.

A wise man once said that love

was like forcing a horse to drink

but then everyone stopped thinking of him as wise.

Let us be clear about something.

Love is not as simple as getting up

on the wrong side of the bed wearing the emperor's clothes.

No, it's more like the way the pen

feels after it has defeated the sword.

It's a little like the penny saved or the nine dropped stitches.

You look at me through the halo of the last candle

and tell me love is an ill wind

that has no turning, a road that blows no good,

but I am here to remind you,

as our shadows tremble on the walls,

that love is the early bird who is better late than never.